Another year goes by and here you are still standing by my side
You and I intertwined by all the lies we share
Here I am counting calories you will not allow
Trying to make up for yesterday but always falling short
Excuses streaming from my mouth, trying hard to hold my gaze
Hurting those I love so I can be alone with this misery
Everyday plays the same only I cant see myself waisting away
Day by day, eating less and less, yet your twisted thoughts get firmer yet
Rationality out the window you now have me where you want
Will another year go by with me reaching my hand to see if you are still there
{wrote 3/11/09}
(Wrote the following poem while in treatment ...... trying to understand why?)
Tears falling down my cheeks, slipping off my chin
If only my tears could talk, giving a voice from within
The stories they could tell would haunt
Those very stories I have lived
The pain so deep, the ache so strong
For in my heart is a hole that longs
Wanting answers, getting no where
With a mind who seems to forget about me
To shield herself from the pain - not remembering
All I do is remember why can't she
Those days of him hurting me
Leaving me behind, willingly, asking no questions
Not wanting to accept the answers given
Never hearing my pleas, we'd go back to my misery
Is it that easy to ignore and close the door
Forget the times he raped me - forget
I wish I could do the same, maybe then I wouldn't feel insane
Needing to know why she believed him over me
There will never be an answer good enough for me
(wrote this poem a week before going back to an inpatient hospital for my ED)
Why do I want what I can't have
It begs me to come back
Promises of a better life ..... lots of promises
A war rages inside of me
It is between right and wrong - thin and fat
Food- calories- laxatives- self hatred - obsession
I can feel it pulling me in
Gripping me
A part of me wants what it can offer
Yet I am terrified of what it can become
I have a need for it that I don't understand
It numbs everything ..... emotions slip away
Leaving me a shell .... I'm used to the shell
It fills the hole that is inside of me
Or at least covers it so I can deal
Letting me forget
Forget how much I hate myself
It allows me to survive
Isn't it ironic that it is killing me
Everyday gets harder ..... it gets louder
How can I stop a war inside my mind
When I need what it has to offer
And so the war continues
March 12, 2009
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Hey Danielle--just remember how awesome you are! You are a very talented writer. You should write some poetry about Alaina for us to get to know her too.
ReplyDeleteI loved where you said "If only my tears could talk, giving a voice from within".
ReplyDeleteI think that tears do talk but not just of the pains of life,
but of the joy that we know is ours to come
& even of the history from within--the part of you that was before,
the part of you that you can only feel but not recall,
the part of you that knew no pain
the part of you that yearns to be reborn again,
the sweet tender spirit of Danielle.