Today versus then .....

Trying to be positive at the moment (feeling anything but) ..... It has almost been a month since everything hit the fan so to speak ...... so much has happened: leaving Yreka for my grandpa's funeral, never going back ...... don't get me wrong leaving Yreka is sooo good but at times when I look at my life doubt sets in. Am I truly better off? Right now I don't even have an apartment, job, friends ..... a life. I didn't get to arrange things before we moved: we JUST left. It's like we just vanished I was to sick to make the drive back to CA ... but I can't let it go ..... let go the fact that I had no control: I wanted to pack, clean, quit my job, cancel appointments, say good-bye to friends. But that was not an option so now I am dealing with the after math of a split- second decision of just UP AND LEAVING.

I had rented my former apartment for three years, three years, I was never late on rent ...... but since we didn't give 30 days notice we are basically screwed! And to make matters worse Chris went back with Alaina and gave himself only 5 days to pack our lives into boxes and return to SLC - he got overwhelmed and forgot to do important things like CLEAN. Lets just say our apartment needed TLC. If I were there I would have been able to get back our deposit. I would have had a game plan - help - but it is my fault that I wasn't there, that there was no game plan nor was there help for Chris. So there goes our deposit and then some because they "need" to replace the carpet which is INSANE!!! But again: my fault. Which leaves us here in SLC - with not a good rental history - a bill the size of Texas and no place to live. Thanks ED, you really out did yourself this time! Yet I still wish I were as sick as I was 3 1/2 weeks ago...... what is that?

Never happy. ED is having a field day with me lately. Food has always been an issue: moderation does not seem to be in my world lately. I either restrict restrict restrict or just eat eat eat and I truly hate myself for this. I can't just be in the middle. I have been gaining weight like it is going out of style. ED tells me "Danielle you need to eat that and that and that..... You know it tastes so good and besides you are a failure anyway....." I hate that in almost four weeks I have probably gained almost all the weight back. The re-feeding process sucks - everything just sticks to you like glue.... some days I swear I look 4 months along. I want to run back and hid behind my anorexia - it is so much "easier" that way ... or at least I am too messed up to realize how screwed up things really are. I do not know what I weigh but I know I am no longer under weight - no longer "sick" looking.

Why I wonder is it SO important for me to look sick? I have such a need for people to SEE how much I hurt. I believe that if I don't look like I am waisting away - emaciated - in pain - dead- that no one will believe me. I am horrified to tell someone that I "suffer from anorexia" because I look "normal" ..... I am no longer "tiny, thin, etc" I feel like they will mock me in private - never believing me when I say that a month ago I almost died twice from anorexia. Is this in my head? I don't know anymore ...... I know I was extremely sick a month ago ..... I did almost die twice ..... that for a month now I have been eating ........ does this make me a failure? ED thinks so. Ah ...... the exhausting journey to "healthy."

Me a little over three and a half weeks ago






Me today

Sunny weather ... YEA

For the last couple days (except today go figure) it has been nice and warm. Not like normal spring weather. We had fun walking around the track by our apartment.... I was shedding layers and so was Chris, I rolled up my pants because I was just so hot. Alaina wanted to be carried so we took turns carrying her on our shoulders (more of a work out for me than Chris ... my Alaina is four, crazy!) Thought I'd post some cute pictures from our adventues in the sun.

We went to Greenhorn the same day and fed the ducks and geese. Alaina gets very VERY upset when the "eagles" translation seaguls were stealing the bread from the ducks. She is such a character! Hope you enjoy the pictures!






Like I said I got so hot I rolled up my pants ... looking like a dork but desperate times call for desperate measures - right?


Daddy giving Alaina a boost ...... so cute!!!

Life .... and all it comes with

I haven't posted in sometime now ..... things have been well, rough. Over the last couple months I have relapsed badly into my ED and had to be sent to a hospital for 10 days. They didn't know how to handle someone with an eating disorder and it was really hard to try to ignore their comments. I am home now thank goodness! It was like placing a bandage over a dam that has over the years developed such a large hole that the bandage will only serve its purpose for so long before it to gets washed away.....

My dear grandpa passed away early yesterday morning. My mom called me at 4:30 in the morning and I went to stay with her. It is a bittersweet feeling. I have not seen my grandpa for years and the last time I did he wasn't doing well. He suffered from dementia. He held on for so long- it was his time to go and thank god it was peacefully in his sleep. He lived a long good life with a wife who dearly loved him and a family who loved him. He was such a character! I like remembering grandpa for who he truly was. He would meow and look around and say "Where's the kitty?" and we would go searching for the lost kitty. What is engraved in my mind is what he always would say to his grandchildren : "Guess what?" and we would reply GRANDPA LOVES US! And he would say "that's right!" That's the grandpa I remember - the one who stopped someone to speak to them in Spanish - he loved his egg sandwich's and his bacon. As he told my little brother one time "I sure hope there is bacon in Heaven." Well grandpa I sure hope there is bacon too and I know how happy you must feel to be with your family up in heaven - with all your memories that were taken away from you here on earth. Guess what Grandpa - WE ALL LOVE YOU!

Work work and yup more work

BLAH! Dang I have had no days off for the last week and a half ..... it has been crazy. One of the girls that I work with found out she is pregnant ( totally sympathetic because of the sickness) but with that said I have had to cover all of her shifts. Which is exhausting! Today I worked my schedule and got off at 1:30 but I have to go back at 5 and stay until closing.

I am getting frustrated! While working is exhausting I have to admit sometimes I would rather be there than be at home .... because it is just stressful as well. Eating has been almost non-existent lately. Which raises the tension in the apartment. Chris, who is worried about me and my health has been trying to get me to eat and I just get angry.

Things are rough right now. I am trying to find a treatment center to enter but because I only have Medi-Cal no one will take me and the county isn't willing to make the co-payment for the hospital I was placed in before so I am in a catch 22. Can't eat ---- cant get treatment. Life, huh.

Having fun with Shelley

Today my friend Shelley and I got together at Miner Street park to talk about life ..... Of course me being me took a million pictures! They turned out really cute.




Shelley and I are really close friends, we both go to EDGE together which is a group for people who suffer from eating disorders. Over the years we have become very close and today she came down to visit me because I have been struggling alot lately ..... we are good for each other ..... and although our ED's (eating disorders) are opposite - anorexia and she struggles with binge eating ....... It is amazing how similar the struggles are. It's all the same.



I love the "Speak no evil - see no evil - hear no evil" photo ...... Good times can happen when things are falling apart .....

Some Collages I have made along the way

I thought it would be fun to share some photo collages I have made!

Photo's at the local Fair

My good friend Jen and I in Berkeley and Ken who is just AWESOME!

Alaina Turns FOUR! (well technically tomorrow)

Wow! I can't believe my baby is going to be four! We had her party on Sunday ..... she had a blast! Last year I made Alaina her birthday cake instead of having my mom, who is the BEST cook ever do it. This year I decided to do the same. It turned out really cute but let me tell you I am not a BAKER! I had to work 1-9:15 on Saturday so I thought I'd make the cakes early that day and decorate it the morning of the party. Well, FOUR cakes later (which all about equaled one and a half cakes due to the fact that they KEPT sticking. I was highly discouraged! It ended up that after I got off work at 9:15 that night I went to the store determined to make this cake WORK. I was up until 2 in the morning perfecting that dang cake, wrapping presents, getting the party favors ready etc. I was exhausted but the cake turned out really cute! Thank goodness!

Amy got so excited when Alaina got clothes, lol!

Alaina got so excited to get The Water Horse! Thanks Uncle River and Moonlily!




Amy and Alaina all smiles!