Life. Sometimes I think I have it all figured out and then a moment later {BANG } something happens and things change. What a theme of my life, huh. No matter how I try I can not stop things from changing .... why do I have a need to stop the inevitable? Well, I could blame it on my childhood but that is too broad or the unstable environment I grew up in but that wouldn't paint the picture of the destruction that has taken place over the years.
I find myself going along with life always trying to keep my head above the waves that seem to be crashing down on me ... their goal is still unknown. Is it to make me a stronger person? I retaliate at them yelling "I am STRONG or I wouldn't be alive!", here they are flooding my life, never letting me forget that I have a past. Damaging relationships between family and friends. Seeping into my soul, a dark, wet coldness.
Finding ways to ignore the pain have been an obsession of mine : Be a Perfect Student (then no one will see you are damaged) Be the PERFECT wife (so you can move forward and forget) Be the Perfect mom (so you never end up like your mother) For so many years I tried to be this perfect person pushing all the pain, anger, rage down. Telling myself "Danielle you are stronger than this. He could never break you. Just forget. Those four years of him raping you haven't affected you..." JUST SMILE!
So smile I did for quite awhile ....... CONTROL became an obsession that has lead to the eating disorder I struggle with daily: anorexia . (Although ED is whispering in my ear right now "Danielle you need to lose more .... right now you just have anorexic tendencies .... you are way to fat to be anorexic)
This is where I am at the moment : battling to get better for my family but fighting to get sicker and sicker with my eating disorder. I Know DAMB right that I need to follow my meal plan yet knowing deep down I will lie and say I did. I will deceive those who want to help me get "healthy" and for what? Why do I have such a need to destroy myself?
March 8, 2009
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Danielle, Matt and I are rooting for you. I can't even begin to imagine all of the pain and hurt you've been through. I think you are pretty incredible to have have kept your head afloat as much as you have. You're in our thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteCheck out my blog in the next couple of days because I am learning some stuff that is really great--it is helping me & I thought you might find it interesting too. Just remember--you are awesome--& like you hinted--you are strong--just remember that the voice within you that says "you are of great worth" is the true voice.
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