Having fun with Shelley

Today my friend Shelley and I got together at Miner Street park to talk about life ..... Of course me being me took a million pictures! They turned out really cute.




Shelley and I are really close friends, we both go to EDGE together which is a group for people who suffer from eating disorders. Over the years we have become very close and today she came down to visit me because I have been struggling alot lately ..... we are good for each other ..... and although our ED's (eating disorders) are opposite - anorexia and she struggles with binge eating ....... It is amazing how similar the struggles are. It's all the same.



I love the "Speak no evil - see no evil - hear no evil" photo ...... Good times can happen when things are falling apart .....

Some Collages I have made along the way

I thought it would be fun to share some photo collages I have made!

Photo's at the local Fair

My good friend Jen and I in Berkeley and Ken who is just AWESOME!

Alaina Turns FOUR! (well technically tomorrow)

Wow! I can't believe my baby is going to be four! We had her party on Sunday ..... she had a blast! Last year I made Alaina her birthday cake instead of having my mom, who is the BEST cook ever do it. This year I decided to do the same. It turned out really cute but let me tell you I am not a BAKER! I had to work 1-9:15 on Saturday so I thought I'd make the cakes early that day and decorate it the morning of the party. Well, FOUR cakes later (which all about equaled one and a half cakes due to the fact that they KEPT sticking. I was highly discouraged! It ended up that after I got off work at 9:15 that night I went to the store determined to make this cake WORK. I was up until 2 in the morning perfecting that dang cake, wrapping presents, getting the party favors ready etc. I was exhausted but the cake turned out really cute! Thank goodness!

Amy got so excited when Alaina got clothes, lol!

Alaina got so excited to get The Water Horse! Thanks Uncle River and Moonlily!




Amy and Alaina all smiles!

B-I-N-G-O and more ........

As I got into the car after work and saw Alaina's shining face I smiled .... it seemed to melt away the dreary day.

"Hello, Beautiful Alaina, how was your day at Preschool?"

"LaLa, Mama! B-I-N-G-O and BINGO was HIS name O!"

I smiled, " Did you learn that song today?"

Alaina smiled proudly and repeated the verse a couple times

As we drove Alaina finally sighed and firmly stated "Mommy ALL we do is sing that song and I ALL READY KNOW IT! B-I-N-G-O AND BING O was HIS name OOOO"

Gotta love kids!

Things with my eating disorder aren't going so well ...... I try to ignore how bad things are but Chris is constantly telling me how bad things REALLY are. But ED is excellent at placing blinders on my eyes.... every day is exactly the same. But I am not ready to change yet so this is how it is ....

D

Some Poetry I have written over the years

Another year goes by and here you are still standing by my side
You and I intertwined by all the lies we share
Here I am counting calories you will not allow
Trying to make up for yesterday but always falling short
Excuses streaming from my mouth, trying hard to hold my gaze
Hurting those I love so I can be alone with this misery
Everyday plays the same only I cant see myself waisting away
Day by day, eating less and less, yet your twisted thoughts get firmer yet
Rationality out the window you now have me where you want
Will another year go by with me reaching my hand to see if you are still there
{wrote 3/11/09}

(Wrote the following poem while in treatment ...... trying to understand why?)

Tears falling down my cheeks, slipping off my chin
If only my tears could talk, giving a voice from within
The stories they could tell would haunt
Those very stories I have lived
The pain so deep, the ache so strong
For in my heart is a hole that longs
Wanting answers, getting no where
With a mind who seems to forget about me
To shield herself from the pain - not remembering
All I do is remember why can't she
Those days of him hurting me
Leaving me behind, willingly, asking no questions
Not wanting to accept the answers given
Never hearing my pleas, we'd go back to my misery
Is it that easy to ignore and close the door
Forget the times he raped me - forget
I wish I could do the same, maybe then I wouldn't feel insane
Needing to know why she believed him over me
There will never be an answer good enough for me

(wrote this poem a week before going back to an inpatient hospital for my ED)

Why do I want what I can't have
It begs me to come back
Promises of a better life ..... lots of promises
A war rages inside of me
It is between right and wrong - thin and fat
Food- calories- laxatives- self hatred - obsession
I can feel it pulling me in
Gripping me
A part of me wants what it can offer
Yet I am terrified of what it can become
I have a need for it that I don't understand
It numbs everything ..... emotions slip away
Leaving me a shell .... I'm used to the shell
It fills the hole that is inside of me
Or at least covers it so I can deal
Letting me forget
Forget how much I hate myself
It allows me to survive
Isn't it ironic that it is killing me
Everyday gets harder ..... it gets louder
How can I stop a war inside my mind
When I need what it has to offer
And so the war continues

The In's and Out's of being Me

Life. Sometimes I think I have it all figured out and then a moment later {BANG } something happens and things change. What a theme of my life, huh. No matter how I try I can not stop things from changing .... why do I have a need to stop the inevitable? Well, I could blame it on my childhood but that is too broad or the unstable environment I grew up in but that wouldn't paint the picture of the destruction that has taken place over the years.

I find myself going along with life always trying to keep my head above the waves that seem to be crashing down on me ... their goal is still unknown. Is it to make me a stronger person? I retaliate at them yelling "I am STRONG or I wouldn't be alive!", here they are flooding my life, never letting me forget that I have a past. Damaging relationships between family and friends. Seeping into my soul, a dark, wet coldness.

Finding ways to ignore the pain have been an obsession of mine : Be a Perfect Student (then no one will see you are damaged) Be the PERFECT wife (so you can move forward and forget) Be the Perfect mom (so you never end up like your mother) For so many years I tried to be this perfect person pushing all the pain, anger, rage down. Telling myself "Danielle you are stronger than this. He could never break you. Just forget. Those four years of him raping you haven't affected you..." JUST SMILE!

So smile I did for quite awhile ....... CONTROL became an obsession that has lead to the eating disorder I struggle with daily: anorexia . (Although ED is whispering in my ear right now "Danielle you need to lose more .... right now you just have anorexic tendencies .... you are way to fat to be anorexic)

This is where I am at the moment : battling to get better for my family but fighting to get sicker and sicker with my eating disorder. I Know DAMB right that I need to follow my meal plan yet knowing deep down I will lie and say I did. I will deceive those who want to help me get "healthy" and for what? Why do I have such a need to destroy myself?