Today versus then .....

Trying to be positive at the moment (feeling anything but) ..... It has almost been a month since everything hit the fan so to speak ...... so much has happened: leaving Yreka for my grandpa's funeral, never going back ...... don't get me wrong leaving Yreka is sooo good but at times when I look at my life doubt sets in. Am I truly better off? Right now I don't even have an apartment, job, friends ..... a life. I didn't get to arrange things before we moved: we JUST left. It's like we just vanished I was to sick to make the drive back to CA ... but I can't let it go ..... let go the fact that I had no control: I wanted to pack, clean, quit my job, cancel appointments, say good-bye to friends. But that was not an option so now I am dealing with the after math of a split- second decision of just UP AND LEAVING.

I had rented my former apartment for three years, three years, I was never late on rent ...... but since we didn't give 30 days notice we are basically screwed! And to make matters worse Chris went back with Alaina and gave himself only 5 days to pack our lives into boxes and return to SLC - he got overwhelmed and forgot to do important things like CLEAN. Lets just say our apartment needed TLC. If I were there I would have been able to get back our deposit. I would have had a game plan - help - but it is my fault that I wasn't there, that there was no game plan nor was there help for Chris. So there goes our deposit and then some because they "need" to replace the carpet which is INSANE!!! But again: my fault. Which leaves us here in SLC - with not a good rental history - a bill the size of Texas and no place to live. Thanks ED, you really out did yourself this time! Yet I still wish I were as sick as I was 3 1/2 weeks ago...... what is that?

Never happy. ED is having a field day with me lately. Food has always been an issue: moderation does not seem to be in my world lately. I either restrict restrict restrict or just eat eat eat and I truly hate myself for this. I can't just be in the middle. I have been gaining weight like it is going out of style. ED tells me "Danielle you need to eat that and that and that..... You know it tastes so good and besides you are a failure anyway....." I hate that in almost four weeks I have probably gained almost all the weight back. The re-feeding process sucks - everything just sticks to you like glue.... some days I swear I look 4 months along. I want to run back and hid behind my anorexia - it is so much "easier" that way ... or at least I am too messed up to realize how screwed up things really are. I do not know what I weigh but I know I am no longer under weight - no longer "sick" looking.

Why I wonder is it SO important for me to look sick? I have such a need for people to SEE how much I hurt. I believe that if I don't look like I am waisting away - emaciated - in pain - dead- that no one will believe me. I am horrified to tell someone that I "suffer from anorexia" because I look "normal" ..... I am no longer "tiny, thin, etc" I feel like they will mock me in private - never believing me when I say that a month ago I almost died twice from anorexia. Is this in my head? I don't know anymore ...... I know I was extremely sick a month ago ..... I did almost die twice ..... that for a month now I have been eating ........ does this make me a failure? ED thinks so. Ah ...... the exhausting journey to "healthy."

Me a little over three and a half weeks ago






Me today

Sunny weather ... YEA

For the last couple days (except today go figure) it has been nice and warm. Not like normal spring weather. We had fun walking around the track by our apartment.... I was shedding layers and so was Chris, I rolled up my pants because I was just so hot. Alaina wanted to be carried so we took turns carrying her on our shoulders (more of a work out for me than Chris ... my Alaina is four, crazy!) Thought I'd post some cute pictures from our adventues in the sun.

We went to Greenhorn the same day and fed the ducks and geese. Alaina gets very VERY upset when the "eagles" translation seaguls were stealing the bread from the ducks. She is such a character! Hope you enjoy the pictures!






Like I said I got so hot I rolled up my pants ... looking like a dork but desperate times call for desperate measures - right?


Daddy giving Alaina a boost ...... so cute!!!

Life .... and all it comes with

I haven't posted in sometime now ..... things have been well, rough. Over the last couple months I have relapsed badly into my ED and had to be sent to a hospital for 10 days. They didn't know how to handle someone with an eating disorder and it was really hard to try to ignore their comments. I am home now thank goodness! It was like placing a bandage over a dam that has over the years developed such a large hole that the bandage will only serve its purpose for so long before it to gets washed away.....

My dear grandpa passed away early yesterday morning. My mom called me at 4:30 in the morning and I went to stay with her. It is a bittersweet feeling. I have not seen my grandpa for years and the last time I did he wasn't doing well. He suffered from dementia. He held on for so long- it was his time to go and thank god it was peacefully in his sleep. He lived a long good life with a wife who dearly loved him and a family who loved him. He was such a character! I like remembering grandpa for who he truly was. He would meow and look around and say "Where's the kitty?" and we would go searching for the lost kitty. What is engraved in my mind is what he always would say to his grandchildren : "Guess what?" and we would reply GRANDPA LOVES US! And he would say "that's right!" That's the grandpa I remember - the one who stopped someone to speak to them in Spanish - he loved his egg sandwich's and his bacon. As he told my little brother one time "I sure hope there is bacon in Heaven." Well grandpa I sure hope there is bacon too and I know how happy you must feel to be with your family up in heaven - with all your memories that were taken away from you here on earth. Guess what Grandpa - WE ALL LOVE YOU!

Work work and yup more work

BLAH! Dang I have had no days off for the last week and a half ..... it has been crazy. One of the girls that I work with found out she is pregnant ( totally sympathetic because of the sickness) but with that said I have had to cover all of her shifts. Which is exhausting! Today I worked my schedule and got off at 1:30 but I have to go back at 5 and stay until closing.

I am getting frustrated! While working is exhausting I have to admit sometimes I would rather be there than be at home .... because it is just stressful as well. Eating has been almost non-existent lately. Which raises the tension in the apartment. Chris, who is worried about me and my health has been trying to get me to eat and I just get angry.

Things are rough right now. I am trying to find a treatment center to enter but because I only have Medi-Cal no one will take me and the county isn't willing to make the co-payment for the hospital I was placed in before so I am in a catch 22. Can't eat ---- cant get treatment. Life, huh.

Having fun with Shelley

Today my friend Shelley and I got together at Miner Street park to talk about life ..... Of course me being me took a million pictures! They turned out really cute.




Shelley and I are really close friends, we both go to EDGE together which is a group for people who suffer from eating disorders. Over the years we have become very close and today she came down to visit me because I have been struggling alot lately ..... we are good for each other ..... and although our ED's (eating disorders) are opposite - anorexia and she struggles with binge eating ....... It is amazing how similar the struggles are. It's all the same.



I love the "Speak no evil - see no evil - hear no evil" photo ...... Good times can happen when things are falling apart .....

Some Collages I have made along the way

I thought it would be fun to share some photo collages I have made!

Photo's at the local Fair

My good friend Jen and I in Berkeley and Ken who is just AWESOME!

Alaina Turns FOUR! (well technically tomorrow)

Wow! I can't believe my baby is going to be four! We had her party on Sunday ..... she had a blast! Last year I made Alaina her birthday cake instead of having my mom, who is the BEST cook ever do it. This year I decided to do the same. It turned out really cute but let me tell you I am not a BAKER! I had to work 1-9:15 on Saturday so I thought I'd make the cakes early that day and decorate it the morning of the party. Well, FOUR cakes later (which all about equaled one and a half cakes due to the fact that they KEPT sticking. I was highly discouraged! It ended up that after I got off work at 9:15 that night I went to the store determined to make this cake WORK. I was up until 2 in the morning perfecting that dang cake, wrapping presents, getting the party favors ready etc. I was exhausted but the cake turned out really cute! Thank goodness!

Amy got so excited when Alaina got clothes, lol!

Alaina got so excited to get The Water Horse! Thanks Uncle River and Moonlily!




Amy and Alaina all smiles!

B-I-N-G-O and more ........

As I got into the car after work and saw Alaina's shining face I smiled .... it seemed to melt away the dreary day.

"Hello, Beautiful Alaina, how was your day at Preschool?"

"LaLa, Mama! B-I-N-G-O and BINGO was HIS name O!"

I smiled, " Did you learn that song today?"

Alaina smiled proudly and repeated the verse a couple times

As we drove Alaina finally sighed and firmly stated "Mommy ALL we do is sing that song and I ALL READY KNOW IT! B-I-N-G-O AND BING O was HIS name OOOO"

Gotta love kids!

Things with my eating disorder aren't going so well ...... I try to ignore how bad things are but Chris is constantly telling me how bad things REALLY are. But ED is excellent at placing blinders on my eyes.... every day is exactly the same. But I am not ready to change yet so this is how it is ....

D

Some Poetry I have written over the years

Another year goes by and here you are still standing by my side
You and I intertwined by all the lies we share
Here I am counting calories you will not allow
Trying to make up for yesterday but always falling short
Excuses streaming from my mouth, trying hard to hold my gaze
Hurting those I love so I can be alone with this misery
Everyday plays the same only I cant see myself waisting away
Day by day, eating less and less, yet your twisted thoughts get firmer yet
Rationality out the window you now have me where you want
Will another year go by with me reaching my hand to see if you are still there
{wrote 3/11/09}

(Wrote the following poem while in treatment ...... trying to understand why?)

Tears falling down my cheeks, slipping off my chin
If only my tears could talk, giving a voice from within
The stories they could tell would haunt
Those very stories I have lived
The pain so deep, the ache so strong
For in my heart is a hole that longs
Wanting answers, getting no where
With a mind who seems to forget about me
To shield herself from the pain - not remembering
All I do is remember why can't she
Those days of him hurting me
Leaving me behind, willingly, asking no questions
Not wanting to accept the answers given
Never hearing my pleas, we'd go back to my misery
Is it that easy to ignore and close the door
Forget the times he raped me - forget
I wish I could do the same, maybe then I wouldn't feel insane
Needing to know why she believed him over me
There will never be an answer good enough for me

(wrote this poem a week before going back to an inpatient hospital for my ED)

Why do I want what I can't have
It begs me to come back
Promises of a better life ..... lots of promises
A war rages inside of me
It is between right and wrong - thin and fat
Food- calories- laxatives- self hatred - obsession
I can feel it pulling me in
Gripping me
A part of me wants what it can offer
Yet I am terrified of what it can become
I have a need for it that I don't understand
It numbs everything ..... emotions slip away
Leaving me a shell .... I'm used to the shell
It fills the hole that is inside of me
Or at least covers it so I can deal
Letting me forget
Forget how much I hate myself
It allows me to survive
Isn't it ironic that it is killing me
Everyday gets harder ..... it gets louder
How can I stop a war inside my mind
When I need what it has to offer
And so the war continues

The In's and Out's of being Me

Life. Sometimes I think I have it all figured out and then a moment later {BANG } something happens and things change. What a theme of my life, huh. No matter how I try I can not stop things from changing .... why do I have a need to stop the inevitable? Well, I could blame it on my childhood but that is too broad or the unstable environment I grew up in but that wouldn't paint the picture of the destruction that has taken place over the years.

I find myself going along with life always trying to keep my head above the waves that seem to be crashing down on me ... their goal is still unknown. Is it to make me a stronger person? I retaliate at them yelling "I am STRONG or I wouldn't be alive!", here they are flooding my life, never letting me forget that I have a past. Damaging relationships between family and friends. Seeping into my soul, a dark, wet coldness.

Finding ways to ignore the pain have been an obsession of mine : Be a Perfect Student (then no one will see you are damaged) Be the PERFECT wife (so you can move forward and forget) Be the Perfect mom (so you never end up like your mother) For so many years I tried to be this perfect person pushing all the pain, anger, rage down. Telling myself "Danielle you are stronger than this. He could never break you. Just forget. Those four years of him raping you haven't affected you..." JUST SMILE!

So smile I did for quite awhile ....... CONTROL became an obsession that has lead to the eating disorder I struggle with daily: anorexia . (Although ED is whispering in my ear right now "Danielle you need to lose more .... right now you just have anorexic tendencies .... you are way to fat to be anorexic)

This is where I am at the moment : battling to get better for my family but fighting to get sicker and sicker with my eating disorder. I Know DAMB right that I need to follow my meal plan yet knowing deep down I will lie and say I did. I will deceive those who want to help me get "healthy" and for what? Why do I have such a need to destroy myself?

Siabhra's Birthday!

So, mother nature had her own plans today and decided that it would rain on Siabhra's birthday .... so the Party headed over to my place instead. Who needs a park anyway? It was a blast ...... the whole herd of us which included : Dustin, Veronica, Dylan, Devin, his girlfriend Amber, Mom, River, Moonlily, Alaina, Chris and of course the birthday girl Siabhra ... but the party wasn't complete without Yeager (Devin's puppy) Which made my little apartment JAM PACKED .......

Family (left to right)
Amber, Devin, River, Moon Lily, Me, Chris, Dustin and Veronica

Alaina and Dylan had a blast together! They cracked everyone up. There is Dylan with his super silly face! Alaina was being a ham for the camera, what a smile! Moon Lily had bought a lot of balloons and the kids had fun playing with them. Dylan untied the balloon, which promptly deflated. He exclaimed, "I let the air out! That's all!" He is so cute!

Alaina and I with her "magic bubble blower"

Siabhra had so much fun blowing bubbles outside today! All three cousins ran up and down the sidewalk playing with the bubbles and having a blast! What a happy little 2 year old! They grow up so fast!

Hello, I guess?

As I sit here in my living room I am trying to think of something profound to write, after all this is my first "blog" .... so there is pressure! Maybe I should just tell (insert your name here) about myself.

Hello, my name is Danielle. I am a Gemini (if you are into that ..... I can take it or leave it) May 21, 1987 was when I entered the world. My mom is named Wendy and my "dad" is named Gary. My mom and Gary had 5 children together while they were married. Gary had two children with a former wife. Up until yesterday I knew nothing about them other than their names: Melanie and Matthew. I always thought it would be cool to get to know them but had no idea where to start to find them. Yesterday Matthew (Matt) called my sister and then Dustin and River. Dorothy called me to tell me about it. She told me his wife and himself have a blog and since she doesn't have internet access at home she gave it to me so I could check it out. So I guess this blog is a way for me to reach out and say "Hi, since you are willing to put yourself out there so am I ....."

I am the second youngest of my siblings, we are all very close in age. Starting with Dustin (almost 26), River (almost 25), Dorothy (23) Me (almost 22) and Devin who is 19. Currently Dustin, River, Devin and I live in Yreka. Dorothy lives in Salt Lake City, Ut. I am moving to South San Fransico in May which is so awesome!

Well, life is calling until next time .......